A Letter to Mama: Day 24

Dear Mama,

Selamat hari Minggu. Happy Sunday Mamaku sayang, Mama hasian. Aku tadi gak gereja. I haven’t gone to church in a while. I think you’d be disappointed. Papa texted, it was the first time he watched Mass without crying.

These past 2 days I woke up crying. I hate waking up. I hate going to sleep. I resist so much by working as long as my body can endure it. I dread sleep because I don’t like waking up to this new reality. I hate waking up to a world without you living and breathing in it.

People tell me that you are with us in spirit. But today I don’t feel you near. You already feel like a distant memory and it scares the shit out of me. It’s only been 24 days (depending on which time zone; in Indonesia time zone you died on Feb 4th, in EST you died on Feb 3rd).

I miss you so much it hurts. The pain is unbearable and I don’t like talking about it. I’m not crying though and it actually feels worse. Because after a long cry sesh, relief comes after. When it’s just pain sans crying, how does relief come after?

Maybe I need to pray. This is something I’ve hidden from you. My prayer life isn’t great. I am inconsistent when it comes to prayer. Or maybe you do know it, that’s why you always remind me to pray. Always always.

God help us all.

I miss you.