A Letter to Mama: Day 29

Dear Mama,

This is the first day I did not cry at all today. Not even at work. 2 nights ago, I got the best sleep of my life.

I still hear your voice in my head, the last words you spoke to me.

I try so hard to enjoy life and be happy but when I return to solitude, in bed, the sadness creeps back in again. Psalms 30:5 says, “Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning.” This is becoming a perpetual cycle.

I have so much guilt in my heart. Guilt for making the wrong choices in the last months I was at home before I left for the US that left a crack in our relationship back then. How could I ever let that man go between us.

The guy I went on a date with, the last weekend you were alive, we’re not talking anymore. Ambo and Uncle have their own judgment because he’s old. He was the first guy that got a positive reaction from you. And you don’t like Mike. You told me just a few days before you passed that you don’t approve of him.

I feel so lost without you. It’s like being in the grocery store when I was a kid and I was looking for you and called for your name. I’d go through the aisles and then you’d answer. And that instantly brought comfort.

Now I’ll never hear your voice through grocery aisles.

I miss you so much.